These are dog jokes and homilies we have picked up over the years. None are meant to be offensive or in bad taste. If you are offended or upset - our apologies.
If you'd like to send us your favourite dog jokes, you can email then to us and we'll publish them on this page.
Dogs With Jobs ...
A local business was looking for office help.
They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog,
"The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
the world's smartest dog?
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and yells at the dog.
The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What in the world are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius? I don't think so. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
beware of the dog
Upon entering a small country store, a stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside a harmless old hound dog was asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The amused stranger inquired, "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
he owner responded, "Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
A Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a cool one when a good-looking female Poodle comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Poodle says, "That's not good enough." The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative." Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone...cheese mine!"
a dog's pet peeves
- When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
- Blaming your farts on me...not funny.
- Yelling at me for barking...I'M A DOG!!
- How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
- Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
- Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.
- Yelling at me for rubbing my butt on your carpet...Why'd you buy carpet?
- Getting upset when I sniff your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...
- Dog sweaters? ...... Have you noticed the fur?.....
- Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. (Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.)
- When you pick up the poo piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
- Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.
- The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain..
famous saying about dogs ...
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
- Phil Pastoret
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
- Franklin P. Jones
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
- Robert Benchley
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
- Will Rogers
10 Reasons Why It's Great to be a Dog;
- If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.
- No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.
- Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.
- Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.
- No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.
- Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.
- You can spend hours just smelling stuff.
- No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.
- It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.
- Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.
How to Install a Home Security System
- Go to Thrift shop and buy pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
- Place them on your front porch along with a copy of Guns and Ammo.
- Place a few giant dog dishes next to boots and magazine.
- Leave a note on door that reads:
Bertha, Duke, Slim and I went for more ammo and beer. Be back real soon. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of them in the house.
See ya soon, Cooter
Top 10 Signs You are a Dog Lover
By: Emma Snow
There's something different about you. People sense it the moment you walk in the door. Is it in your smile, or the way wear your hair? Truly, there are countless manifestations of your canine obsession.
Here are the top ten:
#10: Stray hairs on your clothes.
White hairs make a mess of your black wool skirt, while black fur collects in tufts on your white fleece pullover. You've spent a small fortune on lint removers, but have finally given up. Shedding isn't just for the dogs anymore.
#9: Pockets full of old bread bags (or mutt mitts).
Dog owners live by the Boy Scouts' motto: Be prepared. After all accidents do happen, even on Mr. Smith's meticulously manicured lawn. You'll be ready when they do.
#8: You whistle to call your dog...and your kid.
In fact, you find it hard to distinguish between the two. Your wallet, desk, and the wallpaper on your Windows XP Desktop are packed with photos of Caesar.
#7: You've been caught on more than one occasion talking to your dog as if he were a person.
You pause patiently while the dog "answers" you. And you insist that he does answer!
#6: You like people your dog likes, and hate those she hates.
Instead of your parent's approval, your dates must win Muffy's favor. This has made dating almost impossible for you, since Muffy tends to be jealous of anyone who takes your attention away from her.
#5: You give out gifts that your dog "bought," and sign cards from you and your dog.
Having given up on teaching Buford how to hold a pencil, you now ink up his paw to leave his print. Unfortunately he got away before you could wash it off, and now there's a line of permanent black paw prints across the linoleum in the kitchen.
#4: You greet dogs by their names, but can't remember the names of their owners.
"Dude" and "Ma'am" seem to work well in a pinch.
#3: You sleep huddled in the far corner of your bed while your dog sprawls out in the middle.
You don't even mind when she snores, drools on your pillow, and steals the blankets.
#2: Your phone is programmed to speed dial the vet, groomer, dog trainer, pet store, and kennel.
What's more, the clerks can identify you by your voice.
#1: On Christmas, instead of cookies, you bake doggie biscuits.
You have a recipe file of Princess's favorite kinds, and make plates to deliver to all her doggy friends. Incidentally, she gets more presents than you do, and the ones you do get seem conspicuously related to dogs.
About The Author
Emma Snow is a prolific writer and writes for Dog Pound www.dog-pound.net and Wildlife Animals www.wildlife-animals.com
(Article Source: www.ArticleBiz.com)
Did You Know?
According to an American Kennel Club survey of dog owners, an overwhelming majority of women - nearly 90% - find at least one quality in their dog that they'd like to see in their significant other. 34% of the women surveyed agreed with the statement "if my dog was a man, he'd be my boyfriend".
Gai Miller, spokesperson for the AKC said "dogs are so important to their owners that they can, in many instances, make or break a relationship. If you really want to please your partner this Valentine's Day, you might be better off buying chew toys than chocolate!"
The poll also found that:
- When it comes to meeting women, 58% of men said a puppy is a foolproof babe-magnet in the park.
- Before you date a dog lover, make sure you like their dog too! A whopping 66% of dog owners said they wouldn't even consider dating someone who didn't like their dog.
- Make sure your mate's feelings for you are genuine! 14% admitted they might continue dating someone they didn't like all that much, just to spend time with their dog.
Strange But True - The Dog With 4 Testicles
A Belgian man believed he had an excellent specimen of Dobermann, and wanted to display him at one of the most prestigious dog shows in Germany. Unfortunately, though, the dog's testicles had failed to descend. This would certainly be regarded by the judges as a fault.
The owner was not discouraged - he arranged for testicle implants to be put in by a vet. After the scars had healed, the owner proudly took his pet to the show, now convinced that his dog would win.
The judge who examined the dog soon found to his astonishment that it had four testicles instead of two. The owner hadn't noticed that the dog's testicles had descended to join the artificial ones a few days before the show. The Belgian and his over-endowed dog were thrown out!